My Immorphal

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jake_the_hawk
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Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:42 am
Gender: [Male][/Male]
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My Immorphal

Post by jake_the_hawk » Wed Dec 30, 2009 10:53 pm

Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major f*** hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also an aminorph, and I go to a traing plaec called Aminorp skool where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Animop skool. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Jake!

“What’s up Jake?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

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Chapter 2

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Jake yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Jake?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so f*** don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Jaek walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in downtown.” he told me.

“Oh. My. f***. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.  

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Chapter 3

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Jake was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Jake!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Joel is so f*** hot.” I said to Jaek, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Jake looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Jake sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary f*** Duff. I f*** hate that little b****.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Jake. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Jake and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Jake didn’t go back into Animorph School, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forest!

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Chapter 4

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“JAEK!” I shouted. “What the f*** do you think you are doing?”

He didn’t answer but he stopped the car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the f*** hell?” I asked angrily.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Jake leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Jake kissed me passionately. Jaek climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took off my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….TOOMIN!!

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Chapter 5

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Toonim made and Jake and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Jake comforted me. When we went back to the castle Toomin took us to teachers David and Tom who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Tom.

“How dare you?” demanded David.

And then Jake shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Toomin and Tom still looked mad but David said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Jake and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Jake asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Jake was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.    

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AN: So, u guiz lik it? Fangz for da god reviews im soor to have!
My screen name has nothing to do with the Animorph character Jake. It's just my general screen name.
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My Immorphal!
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Fangz 4 readin!!

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Blueberry Chicken
Admiral
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Re: My Immorphal

Post by Blueberry Chicken » Thu Dec 31, 2009 11:26 am

Jake_the_Hawk, I am here to provide a little constructive criticism. Please don't take any offense, I'm just here to review. (I didn't know that guest mode was on... Or even existed.)

1.How It's Written
A) I noticed that there are punctuation and spelling errors in your story, along with chatspeak. If you have spell check, use it to double-check what you have written. Spelling wasn't bad enough that I couldn't comprehend anything, though. Punctuation could have been used a little more, especially in the first chapter.
B) Please do not use excessive chatspeak. This is a forum, and I've seen someone who used a lot of chatspeak in their posts. They were asked to use less. (I think... My memory is crud.)
If you are writing a humor story, chatspeak is a good way to play with the characters. (I write a little humor F.F. and I once used different styles of writing, including chatspeak and Shakespeare.)

2. Your Main Character
A) I noticed that your character is a little, if not a full-blown Mary-Sue. She is a (TEENAGE) vampire, wears stereotypical goth clothes, you describe her as exceptionally beautiful, and she...well, humps the leader of the Animorphs. You also used a full paragraph to describe your person. (The fact that your character is a teen vampire strikes me as bad because of Twiblight. It's just...Emo/Goth vampire teens. Ugh.)

3. Jake
I just have to say that Jake was a little out of character. Wearing makeup and dark clothing is not normal for Jake. And why would he cheat on Cassie? (I'm guessing you know of their relationship.)

The Ellimist, David, and Tom appearing seemingly randomly was kinda funny.

Can you please use a little less chatspeak in your non-fan fiction posts?

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moonspark
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Re: My Immorphal

Post by moonspark » Thu Dec 31, 2009 7:09 pm

lol, i love you. the original harry potter version is amazing. :D

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YeerkSalad
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Re: My Immorphal

Post by YeerkSalad » Sun Jun 07, 2015 2:23 pm

I've read a bit of My Immortal.

This... this... gives me flashbacks.
I'm way more active on RAF. If you want to contact me, go there.

Avariela
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Re: My Immorphal

Post by Avariela » Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:03 pm

I've already read it. And you know what? You have great talent!