How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Blueberry Chicken » Thu Oct 22, 2009 5:52 pm

Please update! *hopeful smile*
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:30 am

I'm working on it, but a whole lot of stuff (some of it very unpleasant and some of it very, very fantastic) has come up as of late. It's really cutting into my writing.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Beckyno1 » Sat Oct 24, 2009 1:16 pm

Well, do double when you should be doing homework. :D
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Blueberry Chicken » Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:56 pm

I'm going to revive this again, okay? Just in case. Because my own humor is mainly funny OW THAT HURT YOU LITTLE!!!! Or just plain stupid. I seem to prefer the former.
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Tue Nov 17, 2009 7:08 pm

Thanks for reminding me. With school lately, I haven't had much time to write, even on Neomorphs. I'll probably take another official break after 74 (with the exception of doing MM6) and you can definitely see this fic updated during that time, though I'll try and get you at least one chapter before then.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Beckyno1 » Wed Nov 18, 2009 12:13 pm

Yay! Bring Neomorphs to a halt? Never! No.....! You couldn't......! How long would the break be? :cry: Who put those onions here?!
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Wed Nov 18, 2009 5:14 pm

It'd be a short break, between seasons 2 and 3 while I 1.) finished up some stuff like this story here, 2.) wrote some of the important stuff for Season 3, and 3.) relaxed for a bit.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Thu Feb 11, 2010 1:33 am

In a few years from now, someone will say "Hey, remember the time capnnerefir actually updated that story?" That time is this one!

Guraff and Salheer followed Esplin through the snow while Kalroth wandered off to find the stables. There was a quiet THUD as the Visser ran into something, followed by a slightly louder THUD as he attempted to run through it. There were then several FWAPPing noises, a few more onomatopoetic sounds, and then there was a sliver of light.

<Esplin! I have found the toy shop!>

You are Esplin,” Guraff commented, jogging up to the Visser and then through the door. He continued jogging until the door was broken off of the hinges and lying in several pieces on the floor in front of him.

It was, in fact, the workshop. There were long tables with benches on either side where elves sat cobbling together toys with inhuman speed. There were also stairs leading to a massive basement/nuclear fallout shelter/Swedish seed containment area where there were more than a hundred machines that produced toys faster than the elves could. While the machines were more efficient, elf labor could not just be done away with, the effects on the elfin economy would have been devastating.

<Guraff! Look!> The Visser said, grabbing his friend by one of the not-blady parts of his arm. <Eeeeeelllllffffffssssssssss!!!!!>

“Why is he so excited?” Salheer asked.

“Esplin has always had a bit of a fetish for elfs.”

“...a...fetish, you say? I think we found that rumor he was looking for.”

“Wait, no. Not a fetish. That isn’t the right word.”

“What word are you looking for?” Salheer asked as the Visser continued to stare at the elves with all four eyes. If he had a jaw, it would have been hanging open. And stuffed with a bottle of vodka.

“What is the word for a bizzarre, inexplicable, and unnatural sexual attraction to something?”

“.......fetish.....”

“Oh. Then I was correct the first time. He has an elf fetish.”

“And you don’t notice something odd about these elves?” Salheer asked.

Guraff looked closer at the elves. They were smaller than humans, with round faces and slanted eyes. They were making shoes, clothing, and various toys very quickly and appeared to have been working for numerous hours in a cold workshop without the smallest complaint. “I think I see what you are suggesting.”

“Yes. These ‘elfs’ are actually...<dramatic pause>...Chinese children.”

“Do not let Esplin hear you say that. He will be inconsolable.”

“Is this the part where I’m supposed to care?”

Guraff ignored that remark and began guiding Esplin by the shoulder to a set of stairs at the other end of the workshop. “Esplin, we should locate Santa.”

<Right! Yes, of course! We must put a stop to Christmas! Otherwise, our invasion will be exposed!>

“No it won’t.”

<Shut up, Salheer. If we don’t put a stop to this, the blueprints for that new Pool ship will fall into Animorph hands!>

“No they won’t.”

<Our Kandrona will run out of batteries!>

“Not a possibility.”

<My haircut will look absurd?>

“We are already past that stage.”

<I will be purple!>

“That already happened. It was one of the five stupidest things that ever happened to us.”

<The Nartec will rise again?>

“No, they - what ever happened to them? Did they all die or something?”

“They will be in Megamorphs 6: Survivors of the Kelbrid.”

“Don’t break the fourth wall!”

<Guraff can break the fourth wall if he wants to!>

“I believe speaking of the fourth wall is considered breaking it.”

<Then we shall never speak of it again! Like that business on Mak-Tar-She. I did not know Taxxons could bend that way.>

“Can we get on with what we are here to do?’

<Oh, right, yes. We have to stop Christmas or our invasion will be exposed!>

“No, that - you know what? Fine. We’ll just go with that.”

<Great! To the Blade ship!>

“We came from the Blade ship.”

<.......To the Pool ship?>

“No.”

<To Peru?>

“You’re going upstairs to kill Santa!” Salheer shouted.

<Don’t be so loud! You don’t want the elves to hear us!>

“The ‘elves’ do not speak English!”

Guraff led the way up the stairs. The Visser had an extremely difficult time climb up because Andalites are not designed for stairs. Nor was alcohol. Nor was the inner-ear infection he was not aware he had. And Salheer had a difficult time climbing because he very foolishly followed behind the Visser. And Kalroth may or may not have been getting raped by a reindeer. And the Animorphs were unaware of any of this.

At the top of the stairs, Guraff found what every video game in the history of 4evah had taught him to expect: he was in a large office, where the final boss Santa sat behind a large desk, petting a cat. Also, the music changed.

“Guraff Four-Two-Seven. You made it on my nice list this year.”

“I am about to re-write that list, Mister Santa.”

“Santa? So you don’t recognize me.”

“Should I?”

“Perhaps not, no. I am sure Salheer will realize who I am.”

[n]“I will dismember you before he arrives. I know enough to know that killing you will stop Christmas.”[/n]

“Your formatting tags were wrong on that sentence.” Claus mocked. “It was not in bold.”

“I will dismember you before he arrives. I know enough to know that killing you will stop Christmas,” Guraff corrected himself.

“But if you kill me, you won’t get ...<dramatic pause>... your Christmas bonus!”

“What could I-“

“The version of Enter the Dragon with the special alternate ending where Chuck Norris wins.”

“...........”

“I can see your will is wavering. But if you kill me, you will never - ”

<Guraff! I think my knee is broken!> There was a pause, but not a dramatic one this time. <And my other knee.>

“His other knee is attached to my leg,” Salheer complained as he and the Visser stumbled into the office. “Did the music just change?”

“I thought the fourth-wall blocked the music out.”

<Salheer, are you saying you can break the fourth wall?>

“No, that can’t be it...”

“You don’t know?” Santa questioned. “It’s really quite simple. There is a small hole in the fourth wall; which is normally opened by Christmas magic. Through this hole, some people may perceive things that they ordinarily could not. For example, Salheer noticing the music change.”

“Or you noticing the flaw in my coding tags.”

“No, I could always do that. I’m Santa Claus!”

“No, you aren’t,” Salheer said suddenly. “You’re overweight. You wear red. You rely on the labor of millions of Chinese children. I know exactly who you are.” There was yet another pause of the dramatic variety. “Mao Tse-tung!”

“I thought it was Zedong”

“Either- or.”

Santa - err...Mao....laughed. “So, you figured it out. Yes, Salheer, I, the famous Santa Claus, am none other than the father of Chinese Communism.”

<I thought you were dead!>

“You know ho he is?”

<Wild guess. But I’m right?>

“No,” Mao answered. “During a vacation, while I was still leader of China, I discovered the tomb of the ancient warlord Cao Cao, which has been lost for more than 1,800 years. It was from a book he wrote and was buried with that I learned the secrets of the Fourth Wall. I then conceived my master plan. I faked my own death and used my new powers to go back in time and invent the holiday of Christmas!”

<But...why?>

“What is Christmas, Esplin? It is a time of peace, when we all put aside our differences. It is a time of people singing in unison. A time when children play at war. A time when everyone, regardless of race or social class, receives gifts. At least, that was the idea. Do you see it now?”

“I do,” Salheer answered. “Christmas is nothing but a ploy to spread the Communist agenda!”

“Precisely. But my enemies are clever and now Christmas is little more than a vessel for the Capitalist spirit. What really - ” Mao cut off as he was decapitated. Guraff had been moving closer to him during his speech and, when Mao was distracted, Guraff killed him. Because that’s what you get when you make speeches in front of people who want to kill you.

<Yes! He’s dead. Now I won’t be purple>

“That already - Fine. You won’t be purple.”

“Mao said something before you arrived.”

<Good. I wouldn’t like to think you were sitting around in silence.>

“He said that without Christmas, we will not get our Christmas bonuses.”

<But....but....I....I need that. I was going to buy...>

“I know, Esplin.”

“What was he going to buy?”

<I was going to buy a pony!> Esplin complained. <And have sex with it.>

“I believe that was supposed to stay in your head.”

<Like I care what Salheer thinks? We can’t let this happen!>

“What are you suggesting?”

<Don’t you see? Christmas must happen!>

“So you can have a pony?”

<Not just me. So that Guraff can have his Chuck Norris movie. And Kalroth can have that doll of me! And so you can have...whatever it is that you want!>

“A gun in my mouth?”

<Yes! Because if we can’t get what we want for Christmas, then the Communists win. Or...the Capitalists....or....um....Guraff, who is our scapegoat?>

“Kalroth.”

<No, not him.>

“I believe it would be the Animorphs.”

<Yes, them! I hate them! I could have conquered the world if it hadn’t been for those meddlesome kids! I hate kids!>

“To be fair, Visser, they really aren’t ‘kids’ any more. In fact, two of them are married now. And capnnerefir has promised Rachel will have a baby in Megamorphs 6: Survivors of the Kelbrid.”

“Again with that plug?”

“Yes, again with that plug.”

<The point is that we have to save Christmas!>

“But we just spent so much time trying to stop Christmas!”

<Yes, but no one said it would mean I wouldn’t get my pony!>

“You did not think that if you prevented the coming of Christmas, the benefits associated therewith would not disappear?”

<..........lolwhut?>

“You didn’t think it though.”

<Oh, right, that. What were you expecting? Where does this leave us?>

“Saving Christmas.”

<Oh, yeah. Let’s do that.>

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Blueberry Chicken » Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:36 pm

It's just like Visser (3-1-Whatever) to screw things up. And it's just like capnnerefir to bring up Chinese history.

Visser Something is disturbing me with his wishes for a pony... But it's fun to imagine him messing up again. *tries to get rid of disturbing images*

I'm not surprised that Kalroth wanted a Visser doll. I don't want to know what he would do with it.
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Sassy_Cat » Sun Feb 20, 2011 5:27 pm

Lol! Wait......... what race are Kalroth and Salheer?
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