How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

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Elfangor
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Elfangor » Sun Jun 07, 2009 3:32 pm

Ahh I thought there must be some reason for that. That's why I didn't mention it.
You all have guns
And you never put the safety on
And you all have plans,
To take it



Don't Take It

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:49 am

Salheer returned from the bathroom to find the Visser flipping through the partially shredded magazine. <I don't get it. What makes him more fascinating than me?>

Your lack of a personal life?” Guraff suggested. “Perhaps if you had some interesting family issues...

<Interesting family issues? My brother is a CANNIBAL! That isn't interesting?>

It is interesting. That's why he made number eighty-seven.

<Hmm...maybe we should spread some interesting rumor about me...that might get the buzz going.>

Well...there was that rumor Edriss started a few years back... A good number of Yeerks still believe it.

<For the last time, I am not gay! Kalroth, tell them I'm not gay!>

“The Visser is the pinnacle of manliness!”

Salheer snorted. “Really? You choose him to prove your masculinity?”

<I didn't mean them as in them. They already know I'm straight. At least, Guraff does. And Salheer...well, who cares about him?>

“Terribly sorry, Visser. Shall I put an official announcement out across the Order-”

Order.

“-Order that -” Kalroth cut off. “I said order.”

It's a reflex.

Salheer slumped down in a chair. “This trip seems unnecessarily long... are we there yet?”

No.

“How about now?”

<No.>

“How about-”

Salheer, you are currently riding with arguably the two deadliest individuals in the known galaxy. One of whom is known to have sever anger-management issues and has been drinking heavily. The other of whom is more than capable of decapitating you with every limb of his body. I suggest you think very carefully before you finish that question. Now, you were saying?

“How about we play a card game?” he finished meekly.

<I know! Let's One-oh-Three.>

“How do you play that?” Kalroth asked.

<Salheer, hold up a deck of cards for me.>

Salheer pulled a deck out of his pocket. “I always keep a deck with me in the event that I grow bored. It was a habit I developed during the long counsel deliberations during my time as emperor. What do you want me to do with it?”

<Just hold it very still.>

“Like this?”

<Exactly.> Then the Visser twitched. His tailblade flashed through the air, straight through the deck of cards. They fell out of Salheer's hands, each card now cut in half. <See? One-hundred and three cards.>

Salheer just looked at him. “I'm not surprised that you can't perform basic math, but why is your host not crying out in agony over this?”

Esplin's hosts learn quickly not to question his mathematical skills.

“Why don't yousay something, Guraff Four-Two-Seven?”

Look how happy he is. I'm not going to be the one to take that away from him.

“Truly an astonishing display, Visser.”

<I know, Kalroth. Do we have any more vodka?>

“I am afraid not, Visser. Would you prefer something else to drink?”

<No, no, it's fine. Just to to my quarters and look in my gun rack. Beneath a Pythagi Oda cannon, you will see a small handle. Pull on it. That will open my private refrigerator. In it, you will see three bottles. Bring them to me.>

“At once, Vissser!” Kalroth saluted, rushing off.

“What, exactly, is your plan for killing this allegedly non-mythical being?” Salheer asked them.

<First, we fly to his home.>

“Which is where?”

<The North Pole.>

“Geographic or magnetic?”

<Um... Guraff?>

Geographic.

<Right. Geographic. Now, we don't know what security will be like, but I cannot imagine anything that forms an effective barrier against Guraff. So we go in and gut him like a....a...>

Cat?

“I am not sure which is more disturbing. That you apparently consider gutting cats a lot or that Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six could not think of a single thing that one guts.”

<Andalites are herbivores. And so are Hork-bajir... It's not an expression we ever use!>

“I shall add it to my list of other things you never use.” With that, Salheer took a small notebook out of his pocket as well as a pen and wrote something in it.

You actually have a list?

“Yes, but it is undergoing some serous editing. For example, I originally had 'brain' at the top of the list but as we know, Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six does not possess one of those. Luckily, I found another organ to replace it.”

<Heart?>

“Genitals.”

Brain, heart, genitals. The three organs that make all decisions.

“Unless you're Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six. Then your decisions are made by... Come to think of it, Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, how do you make decisions?”

<I don't need to make decisions. No matter what I do, I'll succeed. Tell them, Kalroth.>

An awkward silence filled the room for the next few moments. “Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, you sent him to get you more vodka, remember?”

<Oh. Right. How long does it take to do that? KALROTH!!!>

A few moments later, Kalroth burst into the room, attempting to carry three bottles of clear liquid. “Terribly sorry, Visser. Please, punish me.”

<That won't be necessary.>

“Not even a little bit?”

<I don't really see the need...>

“What if I accidentally broke one of your bottles?”

<But you didn't break anything.>

“I suppose not, Visser.” Then, slowly, he let one of the bottles drop. It shattered as it struck the floor of the Blade ship. “Oh no! Visser, please forgive my ineptitude. Maybe you should strike me?”

The Visser met Guraff's gaze with his stalk eyes and Salheer's with his main ones. <This is...odd...> Then, he smacked Kalroth across the face with the flat of his tailblade. Kalroth stumbled back and fell over, clutching his face.

“Thank you, Visser. I have learned my lesson.”

<I just got a new plan,> the Visser said privately to Guraff and Salheer. <We are going to use Kalroth to distract the reindeer. Those antlers could hurt someone if we don't keep them away from us.>

By the time the Blade ship landed, the Visser had consumed the two remaining bottles of vodka. He swayed a little bit as he led the way off of the ship. <Okay guys...now...let's see... Guraff,we're at the North Pole, yeah?>

Yes, Esplin. The house should be just-

<I see him!> The Visser half-staggered half-ran forwards until he was obscured from the others' sight by the fierce snow that blew constantly. They heard a THWAK and then the Visser gave a cheer. <I GOT HIM! That was easy.>

Guraff walked forwards a few feet. “Esplin?

<Yes Guraff?>

That was a snowman.

<Oh. I was wondering why he was so cold... Wait! Is that!> The Visser dashed forwards another few feet before Guraff could stop him. THWACK. <I got him!>

Again, Guraff went forwards to investigate. “That was another snowman.

<Oh. Wait! I see something moving up ahead!> Once more, the Visser ran forwards. And again, Guraff followed. <Wait. That was another snowman, wasn't it?>

No, that was an elf. You're getting closer.

<Yay me! Where the hell are Salheer and Kalroth?>

Most likely putting on clothing to ensure that they will not freeze to death during the mission.

<Wusses.>

I know. Now where is this toy shop?

<It's right there,> the Visser pointed.

That is a pine tree.” Guraff turned and looked at his friend for a few moments. “Just how drunk are you, Esplin?

<Remember when I got promoted to Sub-Visser Seven and I had that party to celebrate and I thought I'd be able to ride a Taxxon if I inhaled a lot of helium and I challenged you to a Taxxon race?>

Yes.

<That's starting to sound like a good idea again. But while we're on the subject, why the hell did you agree to that race? You were completely sober!>

It sounded like fun.

<Fair enough. To the toy shop!>

We don't know where it is.

<Follow your nose, Guraff!>

My nose, Visser?

<Don't you smell it? The air reeks of...what's that thing that's the opposite of what people feel when they see me?>

Love?

<No, that's not it...>

Respect?

<Keep tryin', buddy, we'll get it eventually.>

Comfort? Security? Joy?

<No, no, and no. Wait, what was that last one?>

Joy.

<What was the one before it?>

Security?

<No.... What came after that?>

Joy.

<Hmm...what came after Joy?>

Nothing came after Joy.

<Joy! That's it! Now what we were' talking about?>

The air reeks of joy.

<It does?> The Visser inhaled deeply. <You're right! I bet we can follow the scent to the toy shop!>

You already suggested- Never mind. Let's go. SALHEER! KALROTH! Make haste!

Salheer stumbled into Guraff, holding a tape recorder. Speaking into the microphone, he said, “Let the record state that no one says 'make haste'.”

“I am here, Visser! What is thy bidding?”

To his tape recorder, Salheer added, “And no one says that, either.”

<Kalroth, I have a special job for you. Very important. Not far away, you will find a stable. In it will be seven reindeer.>

Eight reindeer.

<I'm sure it's seven. Basher, Panzer, Manson, Vixen, Dahmer, Cupid, Biden, and Blitzem'. Seven!>

Salheer stood perfectly still for a moment. “I am really not sure where to begin with that...”

<Lesplin always had a thing for Cupid... He says she's the hot one.>

“That is just...immensely disturbing...”

<I know! Vixen is definitely better looking. Right, Guraff? Kalroth?>

“You speak only the truth, Visser.”

I have no opinion on this matter.

<Come on. You know you've thought about it. Just think about it for a moment. Let's say you're at the North Pole->

“We are at the North Pole.”

<-and -shut up, Salheer- Vixen and Cupid are both looking for some way to keep warm ->

“They're reindeer. They have coats.”

<Which one – shut up, Salheer – would you keep all nice and toasty? Who burns your yule log?>

Esplin-

<Hey! Do you think there's any connection between yule logs and eulogies?>

“Absolutely,” Salheer muttered. “This story is definitely going into yours.”

BeyondtheEllimist
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by BeyondtheEllimist » Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:20 am

You excel at humor, as always. I look forward to the next installment.
There is much that is beyond the Ellimist . . . he just won't admit it.
Check out my fanfic series, Novamorphs. It has the Animorphs' children fighting a second Yeerk invasion. First book: The Infestation.Second book: The Search.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Elfangor » Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:14 pm

Awesomeness and
as always. I look forward to the next installment.
You all have guns
And you never put the safety on
And you all have plans,
To take it



Don't Take It

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Atlas » Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:54 am

That was great.
THIS. IS. PANZERFREEMAN! *kicks into pit*

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Dr Sario » Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:25 am

I totally loved this. Next, please!
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:31 pm

Oh...yeah...this... I'll get back to it when I can, I promise. But...well, don't hold your breath or you might die. With the exception of Neomorphs, I don't think I've ever actually finished a story.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Salad Shooter » Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:26 am

Nooo please finish this sometime! I found this through random internet searching and it's one of the most hilarious things I have ever read! please update?

I loved it enough to register at this board so I could come beg you to update ...

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:43 am

Well, since you went through all this trouble, I guess I should probably update it, then. I'll try to get to that soon. In the mean time, please feel encouraged to poke one of the 60 other pieces of fanfiction around this site. You might find my Drodegasm story amusing, though I haven't managed to finish that one yet, either... And I don't think the version is even up to date on this site, though you can find it on FFN as well...

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Beckyno1 » Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:51 am

There's 80 odd, capn. By the way, that was the first time I glanced at this fan fic. It was ABSOLOTLY SPECTACALARY BRILLIANT! By the way, please ignore the spelling. I'm not thinking straight. Too many fan fics buzzing through my head.
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