How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Tue Jun 02, 2009 9:39 am

Baconpus, Elfangor. One word.

Shortly before Krixmuz, I had a conversation with my roommate, in which we decided that the universe had to have been created by something because no other explanation makes sense. So then we got to thinking what this being could have been. Well, we assumed that it would have to be a platypus, since the platypus is like God in the form of a bird/beaver/fish/weapon. But, being an omnipotent being that could create the universe, it had to be made out of the most divine substance there is: bacon. Thus, Baconpus.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Spencer » Tue Jun 02, 2009 3:08 pm

Brilliant... Bacon is indeed divine.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Elfangor » Tue Jun 02, 2009 4:25 pm

spencer1519 wrote:Brilliant... Bacon is indeed divine.
Very true my brother, very true.
May the Bacon shine and strengthen you, May he make you more meaty!
You all have guns
And you never put the safety on
And you all have plans,
To take it



Don't Take It

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:00 am

The Visser and his crew were on the bridge of the Blade ship. Guraff was piloting the ship towards the north pole. The Visser was standing nearby with his hoof in a pan of vodka. Kalroth was standing next to him as stiff as a piece of furniture, holding a large bottle of Grey Goose. Salheer lounged in a chair next to Guraff, flipping through a magazine.

“Guraff, does the Blade ship have a means of recording conversation?” Salheer asked.

It does. Why?

“Because I want to officially go on record as saying that this is the single stupidest thing I have ever heard anyone attempting. You plan to halt the onset of a holiday by slaying a fictional character?”

<Santa is not fictional,> the Visser insisted. <Tell him, Kalroth!>

“The Visser speaks only the truth,” Kalroth said quickly.

<Good. Now refill my pan.>

“With all due respect, Visser, it is still halfway full.”

<No, it is halfway empty!>

“Of course, master. Please forgive my idiocy,” Kalroth agreed quietly, pouring more vodka into the pan. “Is there anything else you require?”

<Just some entertainment. Salheer, what are you reading?>

Empire-

Order.

Order Monthly,” Salheer answered. Which was, of course, the most popular magazine in the Yeerk Emp- Order. Published twice a month, it was one of the most common sources of news/gossip/propaganda/wild speculation in the Yeerk Order. “I'm part owner.”

<This is the end of December...which means that by the Yeerk calendar, it would be time for the GOHMFBL!>

“GOHMFBL?” Kalroth asked.

Galaxy's One-Hundred Most Fascinating Beings List,” Guraff answered. “I wonder where we fall this year, Esplin.

<Let's have a look. Salheer, read us the list!>

“Must I?”

We could pass the time with conversation if you would-

“Number one-hundred: Eh Shoga, King of Leera,” Salheer said quickly. “Ninety-nine-”

<Where am I?> the Visser interrupted.

“Do you want me to read the list or-”

<Why would I care about other people?>

“What makes you so sure you are on the list?” Salheer asked.

The Visser snorted. <Please. I am still the first and only Andalite-Controller in all the galaxy. Who is more fascinating than me?>

“No one, master,” Kalroth aid quickly.

<Well, Salheer?>

“Both you and Guraff are within the top three. You, Visser, are ranked as the third most fascinating being in the known galaxy.”

<Only three? Who beat me!?>

“Guraff is number two.”

For a moment, the Hork-bajir and the Andalite shared a look. “I believe this is the eighth time I beat you on the list.

<I'm still ahead, then. I'll get you next year.>

“I'm sure you will, Master.”

Who could have possibly been number one?

A cold smile crept across Salheer's face. He folded the magazine in half, one page under the other. Smugly, he set it on the floor in front of the Visser. All four of the Andalite-Controller's eyes twitched when he read the three words that comprised the title of the article of the being the Yeerk Order had decided was the most fascinating one in the galaxy. <The Devil Prince.> His tailblade came down and sliced the magazine in half. <This is almost treason!>

“The editors call it as they see it.”

<They should call it as I see it!>

“Indeed they should, Master.”

“Shut up, Kalroth.”

“I don't work for you!”

<Don't tell him to shut up! Only I get to order him around. And Guraff.>

So basically every main character but you, Salheer.

“But I used to be the Emperor!”

<And I used to be the most fascinating being in the galaxy.>

Salheer sighed. “Fine, fine. I'll make sure you get the number one spot next year if you make him stop agreeing with you.”

<I don't make him agree. I can't help it if I'm right all the time.>

“Your brilliance is a curse, Visser.”

“Damn it Kalroth!”

<He's right, you know. Hey! Maybe that's why I'm stuck with such a moron of a brother! The universe is trying to make up for accidentally making me so smart and handsome!>

“Handsome? That's not even your real body!”

You should calm down, Salheer. Drink more.

“Wait. Guraff, have you been drinking?”

Of course. Rum and bark. Better than sinking your hornblades into an Andalite's chest.

“I'm just going to ignore that somewhat disturbing imagery and point to that you are the one who is driving the ship.

Guraff snorted. “Do you have any idea how much it takes to get this host drunk?

“That's a fair point.”

<Guraff? When we get there, can we kill Santa, ditch Salheer, and then go have fun?>

“You said that so I could hear it,” Salheer said.

<I know. Kalroth, refill my pan.>

“Visser, you already drank the whole bottle.”

<So get another one!>

“Yes, Visser. At once. I believe there is a mini-bar in the compartment beneath Guraff's chair.”

“Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, is it even worth pointing out that beneath the pilot's chair is the absolute worst place for alcohol?”

<No. It most certainly is not.>

“I didn't think so.”

Guraff reached beneath his chair and slid out the compartment. Sure enough, it was filled with small bottles of alcohol. “You prefer vodka on cold nights, if I recall correctly, Esplin.

<I prefer it on warm ones, too, you know.>

How could I forget? Salheer, grab some of these bottles for the Visser. I am attempting to drive.

Salheer groaned and crawled between Guraff's legs, digging around in the bar. “This is completely beneath me...”

While you are down there-

“No, Guraff, I will not perform oral sex upon you.”

...I was going to ask you to look and see if I still have bark on my kneeblade...

<Salheer, what exactly is it that you do to each other on the Counsel of Thirteen?>

“Whatever we do, it cannot be nearly as bad as what you do to yourself when no one is around. I cannot blame Alriss for passing on you.”

“You can't talk to the Visser like that!”

“I'm surprised you could take your lips off of his rectum long enough to speak, Kalroth.”

“I would never do such a thing to the Visser. Unless he asked me to,” Kalroth added quietly. “Visser, would you like me to-”

<NO! Oh, God, no! Where is my liquor?>

“I will give it to you when you command Kalroth to be more respectful of me.”

<Guraff...do you remember that human film we saw a while ago? Goldeneye?>

What about it?

<Do you remember what Xena Onatopp did to people?>

Ah.” Guraff closed his legs, trapping Salheer's head between his thighs. “I am certain I could break his skull like this...

<Salheer, this ends as soon as you hand the vodka to Kalroth.>

Salheer said nothing, but he started passing tiny bottles of clear liquid to Kalroth, who in turn poured them into the Visser's pan. Once they were all empty, Guraff released Salheer, who backed away instantly. “Next time, I think I might prefer it if you just broke my skull.”

I think I might as well. That came dangerously close to breaking my vow of celibacy.

Salheer turned pale. “I...I...am going to go and vomit now.” He turned and ran off of the bridge.

<I hope he uses one of the human bathrooms. I hate it when people use my executive bathroom. What possible need could most Controllers have for an Andalite toilet?>

I think it is the extra privacy it affords,” Guraff answered.

Esplin sighed. <Kalroth, remind me to kill the next person who uses my bathroom who is not myself or Guraff.>

“Of course, master. Such heresy should not be permitted.”

<It's not- Fine, fine, it's heresy. Now, on to our next project. Guraff, pull up the list of female-personality Yeerks with hosts that others of their race would consider attractive.>

Guraff nodded. Yeerks, technically, have no gender. But they tend to take on certain traits that are more or less associated with a gender. Guraff, for example, was a very masculine-personality Yeerk. Kalroth leaned a bit towards the feminine side.

Images flashed across the screen. <It's times like these I wish some Yeerk had been able to infest a female Andalite... Since Guraff has no opinions on this, I'll have to leave it up to you, Kalroth. Pick us a good bit of eye candy.>

“I am honored to carry out this mission for you, Visser. I will not fail you.”

While Kalroth flipped through the catalogs of Controllers, Guraff turned to Esplin. “Did I ever tell you about the time the former Visser One attempted to seduce me?

<Edriss? That w'hore! What happened?>

Guraff gave a slight smile. “She thought it would anger you. But once she saw the...size...of my human host, she grew afraid for the safety of her own and changed her mind. I found the whole thing quite amusing.

<Amusing is not the word I would have gone with...>

“I believe I found the perfect one, Master,” Kalroth said.

<That quickly?>

“This female...she calls to me.” Guraff and Esplin crowded around the computer screen, shoving Kalroth out of the way. The woman displayed was a human. Female, of course. Asian by the looks of her, though Guraff and Esplin did not recognize the characteristics. Her skin was pale, and though she was short and lean, her body was generously curved.. Her face was not particularly friendly. In fact-

<When I look into her eyes, she seems to be saying, 'Go to hell and die.'>

“You don't find that attractive, Master? It seems especially appealing to me.”

<Well...I will admit that my host seems to have a slight attraction to her. More than for the average human female, at least. I see no harm in promoting her. What is her name?”

Her name is Maori 619,” Guraff answered.

<Well, call her up for me. I want her on her way here as soon as possible.>

“At once, Visser!” Without hesitating, Kalroth pressed some keys on the screen in front of him. A few moments passed, and then a woman's voice became audible.

“Hello?”

<Maori Six-One-Nine?>

“Yes. Who is this?”

<This is the Visser.>

“Oh! I am so sorry, Visser, I had no idea.” It was clear from her voice that she was in no way sorry at all. “To what do I owe this honor?” Somehow, she managed to make the word 'honor' sound very much like the word 'inconvenience.'

<I have some good news. Consider it a Christmas bonus. You are being promoted. I will send a Bug fighter for you. You are to get on it and come directly to my Blade ship. Is that clear?>

“I think I can handle such complex orders,” Maori answered.

<Guraff...was she being sarcastic?>

Yes, Esplin, yes she was.

<I'm torn between being angry at her for it and being proud of myself for getting it. Kalroth, refill my pan!>

“Yes, Visser.”

Maori's voice came again. “Can I go now?”

<What? Oh, yes. But come straight here.> He looked over at Guraff. <We really need some new tail in this ship. What is the term humans use for this situation?>

“Sausagefest?”

<Yes, that's it. More Vodka, Kalroth. Do you realize how easy it is to...observe...a female when you have four eyes?>

“Visser?” came Maori's voice. “You did not sever the communication.”

<Oh...Kalroth...>

“Yes, Visser, I know. More vodka.”

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Spencer » Wed Jun 03, 2009 4:40 pm

“Visser?” came Maori's voice. “You did not sever the communication.”

<Oh...Kalroth...>

“Yes, Visser, I know. More vodka.”

*snigger snigger*

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by fdragon010 » Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:43 am

Kalroth leans to the feminine, eh? Is that why he constatly brownnoses the Visser?
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by BeyondtheEllimist » Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:55 am

Very funny so far. I like it Keep up the good work!!
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Check out my fanfic series, Novamorphs. It has the Animorphs' children fighting a second Yeerk invasion. First book: The Infestation.Second book: The Search.

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Elfangor » Thu Jun 04, 2009 6:50 pm

*Is lowling*
I Loves this!
You all have guns
And you never put the safety on
And you all have plans,
To take it



Don't Take It

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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by Dr Sario » Sat Jun 06, 2009 9:25 am

<And I used to be the most fascinating being in the galaxy.”
<Edriss? That w'hore! What happened?>

^^Typos.
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Re: How the Yeerks Saved Krixmuz

Post by capnnerefir » Sun Jun 07, 2009 1:06 pm

Actually, that second one wasn't a typo. If I didn't use the apostrophe, the site would have censored out the word, which (in my opinion) would make it less funny.