WARNING: Contains strong language and sexual themes. This is not recommended for younger readers. This is so strongly worded that I've put the entire thing in a spoiler, so you cannot accidentally get offended.
Also, for the record, I'm not too proud of this first part, but I think it very much picks up afterwards.
Spoiler:
“This is so boooring,” I complained for, quite literally, the ten millionth’s time. “Everyone in this universe is boring. Even their crimes are boring. Why do I have to watch this?” No, I’m not some whiny kid complaining to my parent or teacher. Maybe I should explain.
I call myself the Drode. I’m a semi-quasi-mostly-omnipotent being. To me, crossing ten billion light-years is like getting up to go the ‘fridge. I could destroy entire planets if my master would let me. But what was I doing with my time? I was supposed to keep watch over the most boring strand of the universe I’ve ever seen.
“Can’t I go back to watching the Animorphs?” I asked Crayak, my master. “Now [i]that’s[/i] a show!”
“You must keep watch over that other universe, Drode. Someone must alert me to any important presences there.”
“Then why don’t you do it?”
“Because this is why I keep you around.”
“To do your b**** work?”
“Exactly. You’re my b****, Drode; shall I remind you why?”
I shuddered. “No.” Oh God no. I shut the hell up and did as I was told. Mostly. See, I was still bored. And when I’m bored, I do stupid things. There’s a reason they call me the Wildcard. Two reasons, actually. The first is because that’s what I tell them to call me (whoever “them” is; that’s grammatically correct damnit!). The second is because I tend to do wild, unpredictable, and allegedly stupid things. I did one of those now.
I yanked on a strand of time; harder than was necessary. There were my two favorite Animorphs: Tobias and Rachel (A/N: This takes place shortly after my book 59, so this is my newer, badass Tobias). “Hey guys. Want to do me a favor?”
Tobias gave me a look. “Kinda in the middle of something here, Drode.”
I took a look around. Candles, soft music…no one else anywhere in sight. Just the two of them on the Reliquary. Oh!
I sped up time a bit and came back two hours later. I may work for the guy who is widely interpreted as the most evil creature in the galaxy, but there are some things one man just does not do to another. I’m the Wildcard; not the Cockblock. Whatever else people may say about me, I’ve never done that.
So, two hours later, they were waiting. “So…what was it you wanted?” Tobias asked me.
This was probably for the best; they’d both be in good moods now. “Basically, Crayak wants me to watch this other universe for him. But it’s boring as hell. I want to send some people to shake s*** up. Who better than you two?”
“We’re kinda busy here,” Rachel told me.
“Again? You’re freakin’ machines!” I high-fived Tobias, earning him a punch in the shoulder from his better half.
“I mean with the war against the One,” Rachel reminded me.
“Oh, that.” I waved a hand. “I think the One will want to see this, too. It’ll keep ‘em all amused; me most of all! Think of it as a little vacation.”
I did my funky thang, twisted up he strands of the universe like dreadlocks, and BAM bitches, suddenly the magician and his lovely assistant found themselves in a totally different universe. Well, not totally different. Just different enough that they'd be completely thrown off. Yeah; I'm a b******.
I decided to watch Tobias wake up. That'd be funniest. He rolled out of bed and grabbed the nearest sharp object. In this case, it was an unusually long needle that some idiot was using for sewing. I wish that word was spelled differently.
Wait a minute, I'm the Drode! I can do what I want (when Crayak lets me). From now on, the word formerly spelled sewing is now sowing. Like snowing, but without the n, and with a totally different meaning. And yeah, I know that sowing is already taken. Does it look like I give a damn? Anyhow...
Tobias looked over the room. It was cluttered, like any heterosexual teenager's room would be. Unlike any heterosexual teenager's room, though, there was one bed; with two guys in it. They looked to be about sixteen.
“You two. Wake up. Now. Tell me where we are, who you are, etc. Now. Chop chop; or it's chop chop,” he added, swinging the sowing (note the spelling) needle.
One of the boys rolled out of the bed. He had kinda shaggy black hair and a scar on his forehead. “Well, I'm Harry Potter-”
“GOD f*** DAMNIT DRODE!” Tobias roared at the top of his lungs. “You know how much I hate this series! No. I'm not doing this. Send me back to my own time.”
I didn't answer. Maybe now he was realizing why I needed to spice this place up. Without some intervention, it. Sucked. Ass. Big time.
What's that? How do you even suck ass? Well, there's a video I saw once, but I then killed the race that produced it. Needless to say, you probably don't want to see it. And if you do, you're a sicker b****** than I am.
Hmm... Every time I say 'needless to say', I still say it. That's kinda ridiculous, isn't it? I should cut that out. But I probably won't. Nah, I definitely won't. Needless to say, I don't care.
Anyhizzeys...
Tobias sighed and slumped against the wall. “Fine. Be a bigger d****e than the Ellimist ever was. Hey, you, the fag with the scar. Where's the phone in this place?” Then he shook his head. “Not that it would do any good. I have no idea where Rach is.”
The two kids were looking at each other now. “Uh...mate?” The redhead began, “What are you going on about? And wha'ts some Yank doin' in my bedroom?”
“I don't need to put up with this from some kids,” Tobias muttered.
“Kids?” Harry questioned. “We're the same age you are.”
“Bullshit.” Then Tobias found a mirror. “f*** you, Drode. Why'd you have go to and make me into a kid?”
Again, I didn't answer. The reason, of course, was because it would piss him off. I assumed he'd figure that out sooner or later.
“So...,” Ron began, “are you a wizard, too?”
“f*** if I know. Hey, could you find someone for me with magic?”
“Yeah, I think so. It's a simple use of the-”
“Good. Go and find me a hot, blond chick named Rachel. You'll know it's the right one because when your friend make awkward sexual advances on her, he'll be unconscious.”
The kids said something in what was probably supposed to be Latin because whoever created this universe was too damn lazy to borrow from a more obscure language. A few minutes passed, during which Tobias started taking his anger out on random bits of furniture. At some point, a girl a few years younger came in and started to say something, but decided to wait until later to deal with it.
Then they reappeared, with Rachel and some girl whose hair kinda reminded me of something I found while cleaning out the drain in the bathroom. The redhead was unconscious.
Rachel looked around the room. “I take it you're even more pissed off to be here than I am?”
“Damn right. You know no one hates this s*** more than I do.”
“Try to keep the cursing to a minimum. Sara reads these books you know.”
“More like you read them to her and force me to hide out nearby because you can only slog through this crap thanks to my sarcastic comments.”
“Tomato-tomato,” Rachel said. For the record, the second one was pronounced “tomahto”, but it's kind of hard to tell that when I write it. Damn, the English language sucks. Too much work. Maybe I should switch to Mandarin; it's so much simpler.
Nah, I don't think the Chinese government would let this into the country. I'll stick with the English for now. You cool with that? I thought so.
“How can we get out of here?” Tobias wondered. “I'm not sticking around any more than I have to.”
“The Drode wants us to spice it up,” Rachel answered him. The others remained silent, because they had become background characters and in this world they effectively were nonexistent until the universe needed to pull a Deus ex Machina out of her ass because she wrote herself into a corner. Again...and again...and again...and again... A nice MacGuffin always helps, too.
“How do we do that?”
“You know what we have to do.”
“No. Don't say it.”
“Gotta. We have to go to that school.”
“f*** school.”
Awesome! Drode is totally the coolest dude around.
Dracula: Because real vampires do not sparkle...unless you want me to laugh at them.