religious jokes

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Tobias_Marco
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religious jokes

Post by Tobias_Marco » Tue Jan 26, 2010 3:22 pm

A man arrives at Heaven and Michael explains to him how some things work. “We will provide everything you need here but your mode of transportation is based on how faithful you were in marriage.” The man is satisfied to see that he is given a Volvo. While driving to his new home he sees one of his friends who also arrived that day parked on the side of the road crying in his Aston Martin. “Why are you crying?! You’ve earned an Aston Martin for your marital faithfulness!” he says. His friend looks up and explains, “Yeah, but I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”


Why are the Catholics glad that Jesus was crucified and not stoned? Because then, instead of making the sign of the cross, they’d have to do this: *slap palm of hand repeatedly against forehead*


Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!” “What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.” The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.” “Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I poked holes in all of them,” she replied. The third nun said, “Oh no!"


A rather pompous deacon was teaching a children’s Sunday school class, and asked the kids, “Why would people look at me and think I’m a Christian?” One small child looked up and answered, “Because they don’t know you?”

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands. They sat in this manner for a long time until finally the doctor spoke up and said “I don’t think you’ve got much time left in this world, Reverend. You’d better tell us why you asked us to come.” The old preacher stirred himself and said, with a wheeze, “Well, the Bible says Jesus died between two thieves, and I’ve decided that’s the way I’d like to go, too.”

Joe walks into work Monday morning, his boss notices he has a big black eye. Boss starts to razz him, “Big party weekend, did you get in a fight?”. Joe says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Boss says, “It’s okay, really, you can tell me.” Joe says, “Well, okay, you see it happened yesterday at church.” Boss can’t believe it. “At church, really it’s okay – you were out at the bars, right?” Joe says “No really, I was sitting in the pew at church and the song leader said ‘Please stand and sing Hymn number 382.” Boss is confused, “Really, at church?” “Yep, right there during service. You see I noticed that the dress of the rather large woman in front of me had gotten a little, shall we say ‘wedged in.’ Being a helpful guy I thought that it was probably very uncomfortable, so I gave it a little tug, and WAM, she slugged me, and gave this.” he said pointing to his black eye. His boss was shocked, he couldn’t believe it and said “Well, I bet you learned your lesson and will never do that again.” Joe shakes his head as he walks away. Next Monday Joe’s back at work, his one black eye is fading, but now he’s got an even worse one on the other eye. His boss can hardly contain his glee as he says “Joe, man, you didn’t learn your lesson, I can’t believe you did it again!” Joe shakes his head and says “No, really I learned my lesson – it was the guy next to me this week, but I knew that lady didn’t like that, so I tucked it back in.”


Humans have become so technically evolved that they can now make a living, breathing person. A summit of scientists believed that because they now had the power to create life, God was no longer needed. So they all decided that someone should go and tell God this. One man volunteered to go. One day he climbed a mountain and called upon God. “God! We humans now have the ability to bring people from the dead, we can create our own life, we don’t need you anymore so you can leave us alone.” God listened to the scientist and nodded his head. “Okay, I’ll tell you what, if you can really create life, let’s have a competition, if you can create a better person than me, I’ll go, but we’ll have to do it the way I did it in the old days.” So the scientist agrees and begins to collect some dirt to make his person. God simply watches him and finally asks him what he’s doing. “I’m using the dirt to make a person.” God smiles, looks at the scientist and replies, “Go make your own dirt.”


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

(Catholic joke) Jesus is in town one day teaching some of the local folks, when a rabid crowd of religious professionals push their way toward him. They thrust a woman clad only in a bed sheet before him and say “We caught this woman in the act of adultery! Should we stone her?” Jesus looks off into the distance for a moment, then stoops down and begins scratching something in the sand. Eventually he stands up and says, “Let the person here without sin cast the first stone.” All is silent, and then a rock flies in from the edge of the crowd, smacking the woman in the cheek. Jesus looks over the crowd in the direction of the rock-thrower, then cries out, “Come on, mom! Stop that!”

Why were there no worm in the apples on Noah’s ark? Because they all came in pears.

A burglar goes to this house late at night and starts robbing it. He is just getting going when he hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.” He stops for a minute, but soon continues on. Again he hears “Jesus is watching you.” He discovers the speaker is a large parrot. He smiles to himself and continues on, a third time the parrot says the same thing. Frustrated the burglar turns around and says, “Be quiet you dumb parrot! What’s your name anyhow?” The parrot replies, “Clarence.” The burglar laughs, “What kinda people name their bird Clarence?” “The same kind who name their rottwhiler Jesus!”

Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Jesus. (Jesus who?) Looks like you’re going to Hell!

One day, up in Heaven, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit were trying to decide where to go on vacation. So the Father suggests Florida. The Son replies that there are too many old people there and it’s too hot. He then suggests the Vatican for its history and architecture. The Holy Spirit says “Yeah! I’d love to go there! I’ve never been there before!”

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and…yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

How do you get Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? A: … change???

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. Revelation 3:20 — “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.” The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.” Genesis 3:10 — “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

Mother Superior celebrated her 40th year of service at the Convent. The Pope called her to the Vatican to congratulate her for her faithfulness. The Pope said, “On behalf of your faithful service you may choose whether to continue working or you may choose to retire.” Mother Superior said, “I want to be a prostitute!” The Pope grabbed his chest and collapsed on the floor. His attendants rushed to his side and revived him. Shakily he regained his composure. “What did you say?” He asked nervously. “I want to be a prostitute!” She said. “Oh, thank God,” the Pope said, wiping his forehead with a towel, “I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant!”

A Sunday School teacher held an art session in which she asked her youngsters to paint characters from the Bible. As they painted, the teacher toured the room. One child was using lots of white and some green here and there. She told the teacher she was painting the Good Shepherd with his flock. Another child had a huge circular blob. When asked she told the teacher that the figure was “round yon virgin.” One kid had drawn a huge furry-looking creature with a funny look on its face. The teacher asked what he was drawing. The kid responded that his picture was Gladly, the cross-eyed bear.”

A guy dies and goes to Heaven. On his first day St. Peter shows him around and they begin walking down a big corridor with doors on both sides and Peter explains that there are rooms for every style of Christian worship. When they get to the first door Peter looks through the window on the door and says to the guy, “In this room we have the Charismatics. It’s sound proof because they get a little loud sometimes.” They walk a little farther to the next door and he says, “Here we have the Methodists and in that door over there is the genX group.” After showing the guy a few more rooms they get to a door without a window and Peter tells him to be very quiet as they pass. “Shhhhhhh. That’s where we keep the Baptists – they don’t know anyone else is here!”
True education, true science, true religion is the search for truth.
Matthew 28:16-20, John 3:14-20

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Re: religious jokes

Post by Blueberry Chicken » Fri Apr 09, 2010 5:17 pm

:D :D :D
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-Dest

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Re: religious jokes

Post by Tobias_Marco » Sat Apr 10, 2010 10:05 pm

<One day God and Satan were trying to see who could tell the best joke.
Then GOD created the platypus.>
True education, true science, true religion is the search for truth.
Matthew 28:16-20, John 3:14-20

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Re: religious jokes

Post by Spencer » Fri May 21, 2010 12:12 am

Platypus... Hahahahahahaha!

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Tobias_Marco
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Re: religious jokes

Post by Tobias_Marco » Fri May 21, 2010 12:28 am

<Then to top it off, GOD created me.>
True education, true science, true religion is the search for truth.
Matthew 28:16-20, John 3:14-20

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Re: religious jokes

Post by Ben_Dover » Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:39 am

Wow, you know a lot of religious jokes. The only ones I know are rude...
When you're in battle, you do what you have to do. Honor and courage and all that? Those are the words you say after you've killed all your enemies.

The cow should touch me from Thursday?

EVERYBODY WATCH CHUCK!

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Re: religious jokes

Post by Visser 5 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 12:17 am

TM couldn't be rude if someone paid him $5 million.
Vote for me! I will fix everything, giving everyone health care, food, a home with high speed internet and a good paying job, & kill everyone who makes more then $1 million per year &give their money to the poorest 10%.

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Re: religious jokes

Post by Tobias_Marco » Fri Mar 02, 2018 11:55 am

<For $5 million I will be rude to V5.>
True education, true science, true religion is the search for truth.
Matthew 28:16-20, John 3:14-20