Before you ask, yes, I am perfectly aware that it is nowhere near Krixmuz time. But as I'm sure any of my regular readers know, I don't care. Here's a little background on this piece of work (and I'm sure you'll agree, it is indeed a real piece of work. ). I was watching TV (WHOAH!!!) and the 30 Rock Christmas special came on. And that reminded me of a fic I read a while ago (back when I first started reading fanfiction, actually) about how the Animorphs saved Christmas. And I decided I sort of wanted to write something like that. But, of course, I can't go with the same idea. So I added my own little twist.
Since this is going to be using the charries from my Neomorphs series and I don't want anyone who hasn't read that to be lost, here's a brief rundown:
The Visser: Good old Esplin 9466: Visser Three from the original series.
Guraff 427: The Yeerk Chuck Norris. The Visser's best friend.
Kalroth 337: The Visser's lackey; worships him like a God.
Salheer 671: Formerly the Emperor of the Yeerk Empire, now he's working for the Visser.
And, of course, it wouldn't be Krixmuz without some surprises. }:)>
And it wouldn't be a capfic if I didn't remind you:
Enjoy or go to Hell.
Heeeeeeya kiddos! Yeah, you guessed it. It's me: The Drode. Here's a weird little story that I figured I'd share with you now because I'm not going to remember to get you something for your birthday. Now, I swear to the Baconpus that everything I'm about to tell you is true. I know, I know, even in a world of aliens and lasers and morphing and...well...me...this is going to sound completely insane and made up. But come on, would I lie to you? Okay, don't answer that. Just accept it. It all started because I was watching my favorite universe: the Animorphs. More specifically, I decided to take a peek at what the Yeerkseses was doin' this Krixmuz.
Krixmuz, ya know, is a time to get together with the people you love. And your family. And the people you hate. Wait; I already said family. So the Visser had decided to make a trip up north to visit his old friend Guraff. And, because he absolutely could not be trusted, the Visser brought along his advisor, Salheer. And of course, Kalroth rushed out to kiss the Visser's hooves as soon as he arrived.
Pretty soon, they were all sitting around in Guraff's war room, doing what grownups do on holidays: drinking heavily. Well, all of them except for Salheer. “Explain to me, just once more, Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, why we are celebrating this human holiday?” he requested expositorily.
<Because,> the Visser answered, <we can't have our human-Controllers working on Christmas. If they aren't with their families, people will be suspicious. And as long as we have to take a few days off, we might as well enjoy it!>
“Excellent reasoning, Master,” Kalroth said quickly. “As always, your wisdom astounds me.”
Salheer rolled his eyes. “It all seems like a waste of time to me. There are so many better-” He cut off when a buzzing noise sounded. “What was that?”
<My phone,> the Visser told him. <Kalroth, answer that for me.>
“Of course, Master.” Kalroth took the Visser's phone off of his belt and answered it. “May the Kandrona shine and strengthen you. The Visser's phone, who may I ask is calling?”
Salheer cocked his head at the Visser. “Since when do you carry a phone?”
<Since I went on vacation. And since Guraff got into the habit of texting me.>
Salheer turned to Guraff then. “How does a Hork-bajir text?”
“Very carefully,” he answered. “I wonder-”
“Master?” Kalroth interrupted. “This caller seems to be confused. He insists that his name is Esplin Nine-Four-Double-Six...”
<But that's impos-> the Visser cut off. He and Guraff locked eyes. <You don't think...>
“I fear that may be the case.”
<What should I do?>
“Pretend you aren't here?”
<He called my cell. Um...Kalroth, put him on hold while we think of something.”
“How should I do that, Master?”
<I don't know...um...sing the first thing that comes to mind.>
“I live to serve.” Then he started singing into the phone. “Just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train going anywhere... Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere...”
“Perhaps you could fake your death?”
The Visser shook his head. <I already did that. Twice. Once after I got promoted to Subvisser and again two years ago when he wanted to visit me in prison. I doubt it will work a third time.>
“Tell him you are busy with female company?”
<He'd never believe it. He'd insist on meeting her. But- Guraff...why don't we have more women around here?>
“As you know, I live a life of celibacy. I have no interest in women.”
“Shadows, searching in the nights. Streetlights. People. Living just to find-”
“Working hard to get my fill. Everybody wants a thrill. Paying anything to roll the dice just one more time. Some will win, some will lose. Some are born to-”
“- sing the blues. But the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on. Strangers-”
“Terribly sorry, Master. Guraff. I was...”
<Distracted, yes. Remind me to promote some hot little female to a command post so that we have something to look at during these get-togethers.>
Salheer moaned. “Oh...please tell me this is just a one-time thing. And while we're on the subject of telling me things, who are you two talking about?”
The Visser sighed. <I'm afraid this is unavoidable, Guraff. I was hoping that if I ignored him and tried to kill him, he would go away...>
<Salheer...a Yeerk has decided that he wants to visit me this Christmas.>
Esplin inhaled sharply. <My brother. Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six the Lesser.>
“Or Lesplin, as we were fond of calling him,” Guraff added. “It simultaneously insults him and avoids confusion.”
The Visser nodded. <At least once a year, he wants to come and spend time with me. A few years back, I had him tossed out of the Empire and tried to have him killed a few times but...>
“An annoying habit of surviving when everyone around you wants you to die painfully seems to be a trait of your family,” Salheer finished.
<That about sums it up.>
“Master? He insists upon speaking to you. Would you like to speak with him or should I just destroy the phone?”
Esplin sighed again. <Guraff?>
“Not even I can kill a man over a phone.”
<Would you be willing to try?>
Guraff shrugged. “I suppose it could not hurt. Well, it couldn't hurt us at any rate.”
Salheer sighed. “I am going to need a stronger drink. I thought you, Guraff, were reasonable.”
“Normally, I am. But for some reason, when Esplin is around...”
“Esplin the this one or Esplin his brother?”
<Esplin is me. Lesplin is my brother.>
Guraff took the phone from Kalroth. He closed his eyes for a few moments. From the other end of the phone, everyone in the room could hear a man's voice saying, “Hello? Hello? Esplin, are you there?”
Then Guraff opened his eyes. Slowly, he raised the phone to his beak. Then he yelled. One long, powerful “KEEEEEROOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!”. Literally ear-splitting. Kalroth dropped to his knees, covering his ears. Esplin was quivering and appeared to be considering decapitating himself with his tail. Salheer appeared unaffected.
By the time Guraff stopped screaming, even my ears were ringing. And I don't even have ears in the technical sense of the word. Once the ringing stopped, there was just a single sound. “Hey Guraff! Haven't seen you in a while!” called Lesplin from the other end of the phone.
Guraff shrugged and passed the phone to the Visser. “I tried...” Then he turned to Salheer. “Why didn't that hurt you?”
“I put in earplugs before I came here. While I can't seem to block out you or Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, they do allow me to ignore Kalroth Three-Three-Seven quite effectively. In the even that I actually need to know what he is saying, I just read his lips.”
“I should certainly consider that.”
Meanwhile, the Visser had been staring at the phone. <Guraff...I can't speak to him.>
“Why is that? The unpleasantness between you is too great?”
<No. I can't talk on the phone because I DON'T HAVE A MOUTH!>
“That would also be a bit of an obstacle.”
The Visser passed his phone to Kalroth. <Speak to him for me.>
“It is my pleasure to serve you, master.”
“Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six,” Salheer began, “since you do not possess a mouth, WHY DO YOU CARRY A PHONE!?”
<I use it for texting! Of course, Guraff and I are on different networks, so it gets kind of expensive, but I just pass it off as a business expense and use the Empire->
“Order,” Guraff corrected.
<-the Order's communication's budget to pay my bills.>
“Master?” Kalroth asked. “He says that he knows you are not busy this Christmas and wants to know when he should arrive to spend the holidays with you.”
<Tell him when hell freezes over.>
Kalroth nodded and repeated the message. “He wants to know if you are still, quote, 'being a baby about that thing on Hork-bajir with Alriss. And Yuran.”
<He promised never to speak of that!>
Guraff chuckled. “I still can't believe you dated a Yeerk named Yuran...”
<She was HOT! You saw her!>
“Master?” Kalroth asked. “What should I tell him?”
<Tell him those girls would never have even spoken to him if he wasn't my brother.”
Once again, Kalroth repeated the message. Then he responded, “He says it doesn't matter who they came in with, it matters who they went home with.”
<Well tell him->
“Remind him that Alriss went home with everyone,” Guraff interrupted.
<Yes. Tell him that.>
“He says he is well aware of that. He had to get rid of that host due to the diseases. And he would like me to remind you that, oddly enough, your host never had those.”
<Is he implying that I never->
“He says yes, yes he is.”
<Well...well...> The Visser twitched and then sank his tailblade into the conference table.
“Shall I tell him that you just maimed the table?”
“I am sorry, master. I fear he has overheard me. He says he sees that you still have those anger issues.”
<Ask him if he still eats other Yeerks. Go on! Ask him!>
“He says that he does and asks if he should bring some to Christmas dinner.”
<No, no. Just have him bring a salad or something. I don't think Alloran->
<-Imrahil can digest Yeerks.>
“I shall inform him, Master.”
<Good. Now, as long as - > The Visser cut off..
“What is it?” Salheer asked.
<Damn it. I told him to bring a salad. He'll take it as an invitation.>
“Can't you just withdraw the instruction?”
<You don't understand. If I back out, he'll hold this over me for the rest of our lives.>
“And before you suggest it, Salheer,” Guraff added, “all attempts to make that time shorter have failed badly. Both seem to have the luck of...well...I really cannot think of a comparison.”
“Master? He says he'll be here tomorrow morning. And he has hung up.”
<I need a way out of this...Salheer, you're my strategic advisor! Advise me!>
Salheer shrugged. “If Esplin-”
“-Lesplin cannot be killed... I cannot think of any way to ensure that he would not come, short of hiding or making sure Christmas did not come...”
The Visser's head snapped towards Guraff. <Guraff...>
The Hork-bajir-Controller (WHOAH! THREE HYPHENS) appeared deep in thought for a moment. “I believe it is possible, Esplin. But we shall have to act quickly. Christmas Eve is tomorrow.”
<But do you think you can do it?>
Guraff nodded. “I can manage it. Although I think your help will be required.”
<Then let's go! To the Blade ship!>
“Shall I prepare your in-flight meal, Master?”
<No, no. Just a light snack and something to drink.>
“Esplin Nine-Four-Six-Six, where are we going?” Salheer demanded.
The Visser turned to him and smiled with his eyes. <We are going,> he answered, <to murder Santa.>